Auto-pilot

Sometimes it just takes a few simple things to broaden your perspective. Sometimes it takes some shaking up, as I described in a post below, to prepare you for those simple things.

Last summer we were in Montana: wide open, cooler air, longer days - summertime in the mountainous west pressed the reset button. We came home refreshed and with a renewed vision. And then, I started my planning. I don't think I realized it in the moment; I never do. But somewhere along the way, between studious self-discipline and balancing two part-time jobs (one teaching, one as a ghost-writer), as well as our little family (and, admittedly, a few other things like: the community garden, music, & a little ministry), I truly shifted into auto-pilot. We think of "automatic" as something that works on its own, we think that it makes our life easier to shift into that mode. We've got it all wrong. "Auto" for me is all that is wrapped up in the Greek definition of the word: self. It means my actions, my thoughts, my plans, my strength, my gifts.

And it means a lot of fear.

I know my brokenness - not inside-out like He does - but enough to realize I'm about to fail, to completely collapse, and that I could lose it all. But do I stop and fully give over to the One? Well, I do pray "thy will be done"...but it only seems to be lip service. Somehow I maintain at least a couple fingers' worth of a grasp on my life. Instead of "holding things loosely", I let the fabric of my ambitions slip my hold to the point where only the edge remains, and then I claw it, a desperate thing, afraid to lose all of me in one fell swoop. I find my identity in me instead of Christ. I think I'm responsible to save me.

So, the simple things that have breathed into my life, washed over me like the gentle waves of the Gulf shores - ? Stories of the struggles & suffering of others; stories of the joys of two lovely women preparing for their weddings in August; watching 2 hours of the GA on live streaming; pictures, emails, and a few blog posts from friends working at a reservation in Canada; a night free of children with my husband (provided by my dear family); a few really to-the-point sermons...

Life is not about me (fancy that!). It is not meant to be lived in "auto" mode. He is wild and He does not work things out the way I think they ought to be. He calls me into the mysterious dance of messy community (uncomfortable, unpredictable, and very necessary to my growth in Him). I will probably continue to wrestle with these patterns the rest of my life, but I can have hope: not because I'm holding on so tightly I'm sure to never fall -

- but because He is holding me.

Eschatology

I title my post today "eschatology" (or the study of end times) in because I am currently attempting to plow through the course "Spirit, Church, and Last Things", as you might be able to tell from my "current reads" list in the right-hand margin. However, there are other reasons. We have had jarring changes to our plans. My last post was the text version of our update letter from March. In it we detailed our decision for me to begin a degree and for Chip to pursue a second degree in Counseling. Things have needed to come under review, however. After realizing all that would have needed to fit edgewise into our lives over the next two years, after reviewing our fatigue and finances, it has dawned on us that we can't do it. And we are reeling from it.

At least I am.

"Is this the end?" I wonder? One more year to go already? I am seeing my heart in a mirror and I see so much more that needs work - so much brokenness that needs fixing, wounds that need healing. Please pray for us as we shift gears and seek the Lord's will. Please pray as we listen for His voice. Please pray for us.