It's making way for a new one, of course; but it feels like fall chilling into winter instead of winter thawing into spring. The season I'm referring to is the one for which this blog was named. Graduation looms - we're somewhere in the 60-days away realm. I'm truly glad in some ways, and in other ways I dread it: I'm not ready to cast the cozy covers of this place off. Or maybe I would be ready, if only I could be sure a roof and a bed and covers will be provided for us in our near future.
But He said to pray "Give us this day..."
Perhaps a change of physical season will change how I feel. After all, the sun, when it returns, will bring with it the much-needed "happy chemicals" that one so often lacks in the gray days. For now, I am feeling rather groundhog-like: perhaps I'll return to my hole until the spring is sure it's here for good. Perhaps that's the type of waiting He wishes for me to do...for it is not I but He who brings the change of season.
"Thy will be done."
March 09, 2011
July 12, 2010
Auto-pilot
Sometimes it just takes a few simple things to broaden your perspective. Sometimes it takes some shaking up, as I described in a post below, to prepare you for those simple things.
Last summer we were in Montana: wide open, cooler air, longer days - summertime in the mountainous west pressed the reset button. We came home refreshed and with a renewed vision. And then, I started my planning. I don't think I realized it in the moment; I never do. But somewhere along the way, between studious self-discipline and balancing two part-time jobs (one teaching, one as a ghost-writer), as well as our little family (and, admittedly, a few other things like: the community garden, music, & a little ministry), I truly shifted into auto-pilot. We think of "automatic" as something that works on its own, we think that it makes our life easier to shift into that mode. We've got it all wrong. "Auto" for me is all that is wrapped up in the Greek definition of the word: self. It means my actions, my thoughts, my plans, my strength, my gifts.
And it means a lot of fear.
I know my brokenness - not inside-out like He does - but enough to realize I'm about to fail, to completely collapse, and that I could lose it all. But do I stop and fully give over to the One? Well, I do pray "thy will be done"...but it only seems to be lip service. Somehow I maintain at least a couple fingers' worth of a grasp on my life. Instead of "holding things loosely", I let the fabric of my ambitions slip my hold to the point where only the edge remains, and then I claw it, a desperate thing, afraid to lose all of me in one fell swoop. I find my identity in me instead of Christ. I think I'm responsible to save me.
So, the simple things that have breathed into my life, washed over me like the gentle waves of the Gulf shores - ? Stories of the struggles & suffering of others; stories of the joys of two lovely women preparing for their weddings in August; watching 2 hours of the GA on live streaming; pictures, emails, and a few blog posts from friends working at a reservation in Canada; a night free of children with my husband (provided by my dear family); a few really to-the-point sermons...
Life is not about me (fancy that!). It is not meant to be lived in "auto" mode. He is wild and He does not work things out the way I think they ought to be. He calls me into the mysterious dance of messy community (uncomfortable, unpredictable, and very necessary to my growth in Him). I will probably continue to wrestle with these patterns the rest of my life, but I can have hope: not because I'm holding on so tightly I'm sure to never fall -
- but because He is holding me.
Last summer we were in Montana: wide open, cooler air, longer days - summertime in the mountainous west pressed the reset button. We came home refreshed and with a renewed vision. And then, I started my planning. I don't think I realized it in the moment; I never do. But somewhere along the way, between studious self-discipline and balancing two part-time jobs (one teaching, one as a ghost-writer), as well as our little family (and, admittedly, a few other things like: the community garden, music, & a little ministry), I truly shifted into auto-pilot. We think of "automatic" as something that works on its own, we think that it makes our life easier to shift into that mode. We've got it all wrong. "Auto" for me is all that is wrapped up in the Greek definition of the word: self. It means my actions, my thoughts, my plans, my strength, my gifts.
And it means a lot of fear.
I know my brokenness - not inside-out like He does - but enough to realize I'm about to fail, to completely collapse, and that I could lose it all. But do I stop and fully give over to the One? Well, I do pray "thy will be done"...but it only seems to be lip service. Somehow I maintain at least a couple fingers' worth of a grasp on my life. Instead of "holding things loosely", I let the fabric of my ambitions slip my hold to the point where only the edge remains, and then I claw it, a desperate thing, afraid to lose all of me in one fell swoop. I find my identity in me instead of Christ. I think I'm responsible to save me.
So, the simple things that have breathed into my life, washed over me like the gentle waves of the Gulf shores - ? Stories of the struggles & suffering of others; stories of the joys of two lovely women preparing for their weddings in August; watching 2 hours of the GA on live streaming; pictures, emails, and a few blog posts from friends working at a reservation in Canada; a night free of children with my husband (provided by my dear family); a few really to-the-point sermons...
Life is not about me (fancy that!). It is not meant to be lived in "auto" mode. He is wild and He does not work things out the way I think they ought to be. He calls me into the mysterious dance of messy community (uncomfortable, unpredictable, and very necessary to my growth in Him). I will probably continue to wrestle with these patterns the rest of my life, but I can have hope: not because I'm holding on so tightly I'm sure to never fall -
- but because He is holding me.
July 08, 2010
Eschatology
I title my post today "eschatology" (or the study of end times) in because I am currently attempting to plow through the course "Spirit, Church, and Last Things", as you might be able to tell from my "current reads" list in the right-hand margin. However, there are other reasons. We have had jarring changes to our plans. My last post was the text version of our update letter from March. In it we detailed our decision for me to begin a degree and for Chip to pursue a second degree in Counseling. Things have needed to come under review, however. After realizing all that would have needed to fit edgewise into our lives over the next two years, after reviewing our fatigue and finances, it has dawned on us that we can't do it. And we are reeling from it.
At least I am.
"Is this the end?" I wonder? One more year to go already? I am seeing my heart in a mirror and I see so much more that needs work - so much brokenness that needs fixing, wounds that need healing. Please pray for us as we shift gears and seek the Lord's will. Please pray as we listen for His voice. Please pray for us.
At least I am.
"Is this the end?" I wonder? One more year to go already? I am seeing my heart in a mirror and I see so much more that needs work - so much brokenness that needs fixing, wounds that need healing. Please pray for us as we shift gears and seek the Lord's will. Please pray as we listen for His voice. Please pray for us.
March 31, 2010
March Update
Over halfway there...! and in need of prayer.
Time is flying. We are nearing the end of our 3rd year at Covenant, and our heads are spinning with the wonder of it all. This time has truly been a blessing to us, and we are amazed at the experiences the Lord has given us since we arrived. When I started attending Covenant in 2007, we decided that it would be best for the family if Kelsey did not take classes right away. Murrin was 8 months old, and McKenna was not yet preschool age. Now, with two degrees on my plate (I was accepted into the Master of Arts in Counseling program this December!), 2 more years to go, and the girls getting more independent, we feel we can not pass up the opportunity for her to get a degree while we are here (the seminary generously offers free tuition for spouses of full-time students). So, as of last semester she started taking classes (part-time) for credit. We are very excited and grateful that she can receive such good teaching and equipment for free! A good friend of mine use to say, “Cheaper is better, free is the BEST!” Yeah! With the hope in mind, Lord willing, of teaching at university level sometime in the future, Kelsey will begin that path by working towards one of the 48 credit Master of Arts degrees offered by the seminary. Our plan is for her to continue part-time (after this year she will have 35 credits left to complete), graduating with me in May of 2012. Please pray for us as we seek to honor the Lord in our family, studies, and work.
Our girls are getting big. Every parent that I talk to that has children older than mine always say to me, “Cherish the time you have with them, before you know it they will be graduating from college.” Well, they have not graduated from college yet, but they sure are growing up quickly. McKenna starts Kindergarten in the fall and she is very excited about it. We went past the school she’ll be attending the other night. It was dark, and since they were having a parent-teacher meeting the lights were on and cars were parked outside. McKenna said to me, “There are people at my school. What are they still doing there at this time of night?” Maybe we should get her signed up for security detail.
In addition, Murrin starts pre-school and she can not wait. Since McKenna currently goes there, Murrin sees this as another opportunity to follow in her sister’s footsteps (she thinks her sister hung the moon). She loves to go into the school to play with the dollhouse and sing whenever she gets the chance. The teachers love her already.
2 years to go, but... 1. Our trusty laptop is on the fritz. A loose connection problem (related to the viewability of the screen), has become worse with time and an unfortunate accident which caused the hinge to break. I have continued to limp the computer along, but this has been one of the reasons for the delay in our communication. The screen becomes unreadable and I find myself tapping it to make it work, as old images of slapping the television in to clear the screen float through my head. I fear there will soon come a time when it will give up the ghost, if you know what I mean. We do not have the funds to replace this much needed tool for study and writing. IF any of you have a laptop you are thinking of replacing, would you consider donating it to us?
2. In June our family will be moving. Please make a note of this. The change should be quite easy for everyone–including you–as we will only be moving down two floors from where we live now. We currently live in 441 I, after June we will live in 441 C. This will put us on the bottom floor and should benefit us in many ways. It may not seem like a big deal, but we are so thankful for the change. I also believe our downstairs neighbors will find this change appealing as our girls are very active (thump, thump, thump).
Please pray: –That the Lord will give us strength and enthusiasm for the next two years. (They say that seminary is a marathon not a sprint. We try to pace ourselves, but at times life comes at us so fast we resort to “Killing the closest alligator,”as one of our professors says). Pray that the Lord would put us in positions where we might thrive–not just survive.
–For our involvement in our church, Chesterfield Presbyterian Church (CPC). The Lord has provided us with many opportunities to serve there. Kelsey has been involved in leading worship at CPC and has even gotten involved in singing back-up for two different bands. Thankfully they do not have too many gigs right now, but she enjoys this very much as it provides her an outlet to express her musical gifts. I have taught a few adult Sunday School classes and just started working with Jr. High students again on a weekly basis.
We thank God for you. Please, do take the time to let us know how we might pray for you, as we think of you and pray for you often and would love to have more direction in our prayers!
Time is flying. We are nearing the end of our 3rd year at Covenant, and our heads are spinning with the wonder of it all. This time has truly been a blessing to us, and we are amazed at the experiences the Lord has given us since we arrived. When I started attending Covenant in 2007, we decided that it would be best for the family if Kelsey did not take classes right away. Murrin was 8 months old, and McKenna was not yet preschool age. Now, with two degrees on my plate (I was accepted into the Master of Arts in Counseling program this December!), 2 more years to go, and the girls getting more independent, we feel we can not pass up the opportunity for her to get a degree while we are here (the seminary generously offers free tuition for spouses of full-time students). So, as of last semester she started taking classes (part-time) for credit. We are very excited and grateful that she can receive such good teaching and equipment for free! A good friend of mine use to say, “Cheaper is better, free is the BEST!” Yeah! With the hope in mind, Lord willing, of teaching at university level sometime in the future, Kelsey will begin that path by working towards one of the 48 credit Master of Arts degrees offered by the seminary. Our plan is for her to continue part-time (after this year she will have 35 credits left to complete), graduating with me in May of 2012. Please pray for us as we seek to honor the Lord in our family, studies, and work.
Our girls are getting big. Every parent that I talk to that has children older than mine always say to me, “Cherish the time you have with them, before you know it they will be graduating from college.” Well, they have not graduated from college yet, but they sure are growing up quickly. McKenna starts Kindergarten in the fall and she is very excited about it. We went past the school she’ll be attending the other night. It was dark, and since they were having a parent-teacher meeting the lights were on and cars were parked outside. McKenna said to me, “There are people at my school. What are they still doing there at this time of night?” Maybe we should get her signed up for security detail.
In addition, Murrin starts pre-school and she can not wait. Since McKenna currently goes there, Murrin sees this as another opportunity to follow in her sister’s footsteps (she thinks her sister hung the moon). She loves to go into the school to play with the dollhouse and sing whenever she gets the chance. The teachers love her already.
2 years to go, but... 1. Our trusty laptop is on the fritz. A loose connection problem (related to the viewability of the screen), has become worse with time and an unfortunate accident which caused the hinge to break. I have continued to limp the computer along, but this has been one of the reasons for the delay in our communication. The screen becomes unreadable and I find myself tapping it to make it work, as old images of slapping the television in to clear the screen float through my head. I fear there will soon come a time when it will give up the ghost, if you know what I mean. We do not have the funds to replace this much needed tool for study and writing. IF any of you have a laptop you are thinking of replacing, would you consider donating it to us?
2. In June our family will be moving. Please make a note of this. The change should be quite easy for everyone–including you–as we will only be moving down two floors from where we live now. We currently live in 441 I, after June we will live in 441 C. This will put us on the bottom floor and should benefit us in many ways. It may not seem like a big deal, but we are so thankful for the change. I also believe our downstairs neighbors will find this change appealing as our girls are very active (thump, thump, thump).
Please pray: –That the Lord will give us strength and enthusiasm for the next two years. (They say that seminary is a marathon not a sprint. We try to pace ourselves, but at times life comes at us so fast we resort to “Killing the closest alligator,”as one of our professors says). Pray that the Lord would put us in positions where we might thrive–not just survive.
–For our involvement in our church, Chesterfield Presbyterian Church (CPC). The Lord has provided us with many opportunities to serve there. Kelsey has been involved in leading worship at CPC and has even gotten involved in singing back-up for two different bands. Thankfully they do not have too many gigs right now, but she enjoys this very much as it provides her an outlet to express her musical gifts. I have taught a few adult Sunday School classes and just started working with Jr. High students again on a weekly basis.
We thank God for you. Please, do take the time to let us know how we might pray for you, as we think of you and pray for you often and would love to have more direction in our prayers!
March 17, 2010
Itching to get in the Dirt
I know, I've got to hold my horses, 'cause it's a community garden I'm "running" here....but after a lovely several hours with a fresh-breath-of-air friend from the past, I just want to live in the garden.
But I can't, just yet, so I sip my kombucha in honor of her visit and I contemplate re-stringing my guitar to get my creative fix....I swear it will happen soon. For now, a bit of reflection. I find myself trying to balance life between the familial (one studiously busy husband, 2 playfully busy daughters), the amicable (dear, intense friendships), the academic (which I love, which stimulate me, but for which I am more and more unprepared and from which I derive more and more humility as it is revealed to me that my old brain is not as keen as it once was), and the creative (music, garden, writing) spheres of life. Thankfully, they have a great deal of overlap (and are all under the grand heading of the worshipful). I just find myself wishing for a bunch more time....and having to hold all things loosely (no perfectionism allowed here, thank you!).
As soon as any of these become items of my worship instead of items through which I worship, then the idol factory that is my heart comes whirring to life, cranking out miniatures that would look an awful lot like me under scrutiny.
So what does it look like to avoid this graven-image manufacturing? I believe it is not running and hiding from passions & dreams in order to secure my heart, locked up in a kind of spiritually contemplative prison away from temptation, suffering, pain. Rather, I believe investing my skill, creativity, intellect, relational gifts where I can, stepping back often to gain perspective, watching things grow under the sight of Heaven, realizing I am not in control--basically, "holding things loosely"--is what I must do. Constantly reaching out and taking risks, making culture; all the while looking up and ahead, holding the hand of my Father, so as not to be completely undone when things fail or projects come to their end.
For, one day, all things will be made new, and the investment made here on earth will be proved to be the roots of tress of ever-bearing fruit...when heaven comes.
But I can't, just yet, so I sip my kombucha in honor of her visit and I contemplate re-stringing my guitar to get my creative fix....I swear it will happen soon. For now, a bit of reflection. I find myself trying to balance life between the familial (one studiously busy husband, 2 playfully busy daughters), the amicable (dear, intense friendships), the academic (which I love, which stimulate me, but for which I am more and more unprepared and from which I derive more and more humility as it is revealed to me that my old brain is not as keen as it once was), and the creative (music, garden, writing) spheres of life. Thankfully, they have a great deal of overlap (and are all under the grand heading of the worshipful). I just find myself wishing for a bunch more time....and having to hold all things loosely (no perfectionism allowed here, thank you!).
As soon as any of these become items of my worship instead of items through which I worship, then the idol factory that is my heart comes whirring to life, cranking out miniatures that would look an awful lot like me under scrutiny.
So what does it look like to avoid this graven-image manufacturing? I believe it is not running and hiding from passions & dreams in order to secure my heart, locked up in a kind of spiritually contemplative prison away from temptation, suffering, pain. Rather, I believe investing my skill, creativity, intellect, relational gifts where I can, stepping back often to gain perspective, watching things grow under the sight of Heaven, realizing I am not in control--basically, "holding things loosely"--is what I must do. Constantly reaching out and taking risks, making culture; all the while looking up and ahead, holding the hand of my Father, so as not to be completely undone when things fail or projects come to their end.
For, one day, all things will be made new, and the investment made here on earth will be proved to be the roots of tress of ever-bearing fruit...when heaven comes.
March 06, 2010
60 degree days
I know it's been a long time when I have harvested, put the garden to sleep, watched the winter wither what little landscaping I left, and seen my early risers return, since the last time I've written. [First man up this year: chives, shortly followed by spearmint....]
It's been a long year....not so much "year" in the traditional sense of the calendar...I mean a long academic year (and it's not over yet). Chip and I are studying together for the first time. I'm part-time, of course, but with nearly 20 credits between the two of us (per semester) and me teaching part-time at a home-school co-op (high schoolers) it makes for a studious life. Thankfully I have creative, restorative outlets and good friends, but now, as it's our 3rd year (of 5) of seminary (Chip has added a counseling degree - planning on Marriage & Family Counseling in the future, if He wills), the intimate friendships that had their foundations laid 3 years ago are beginning to dwindle as the Lord moves each of us into our areas of calling.
The first of my dear friends departed in December. Perhaps that's why I haven't had the heart to write. My stomach churns as I contemplate the loss of Colette. She is committed to me, and stands by on Skype - but it's not the same. I can't gaze into her gorgeous big eyes and read her intense looks and bask in her generous smile with me in St. Louis and her in South Africa. I miss her. It is like when I put the garden to sleep - a season has closed - I await the season yet to come when all things will awake, be made new, and raise their heads together in the light of the Son.
I will lose 3 more of my closest friends in the next 6 months. And there are only more leavings ahead. I pray I will, by His grace, hold open my heart and my hands, letting go of the ones who must move in His will, and making myself available for the others who will need a hand-hold as they come to this place, as we answer His call together, by His grace.
It's been a long year....not so much "year" in the traditional sense of the calendar...I mean a long academic year (and it's not over yet). Chip and I are studying together for the first time. I'm part-time, of course, but with nearly 20 credits between the two of us (per semester) and me teaching part-time at a home-school co-op (high schoolers) it makes for a studious life. Thankfully I have creative, restorative outlets and good friends, but now, as it's our 3rd year (of 5) of seminary (Chip has added a counseling degree - planning on Marriage & Family Counseling in the future, if He wills), the intimate friendships that had their foundations laid 3 years ago are beginning to dwindle as the Lord moves each of us into our areas of calling.
The first of my dear friends departed in December. Perhaps that's why I haven't had the heart to write. My stomach churns as I contemplate the loss of Colette. She is committed to me, and stands by on Skype - but it's not the same. I can't gaze into her gorgeous big eyes and read her intense looks and bask in her generous smile with me in St. Louis and her in South Africa. I miss her. It is like when I put the garden to sleep - a season has closed - I await the season yet to come when all things will awake, be made new, and raise their heads together in the light of the Son.
I will lose 3 more of my closest friends in the next 6 months. And there are only more leavings ahead. I pray I will, by His grace, hold open my heart and my hands, letting go of the ones who must move in His will, and making myself available for the others who will need a hand-hold as they come to this place, as we answer His call together, by His grace.
July 31, 2009
Home again home again
Back to St. Louis, and all's well....finally. Much ado about the car, however. Thankfully this was not outside of His plan: there are far worse places than Denver in which we could have been stuck.
All have been so generous and hospitable to us: we were in 13 different places over the 9 weeks we were absent. We were thrilled with the west: Montana, Wyoming and Colorado had mountains, hot springs, lakes, and canyons enough to delight us all....but we are so delighted to get home and back in our own space to get dirty or clean as we like ;) My girls are thrilled. As for me, it's back to the garden I go, and there is a ton of pruning to do, as is to be expected. I am enjoying cucumbers, zucchini, basil, rosemary, and onions. Tomatoes are on their way!
Dinner tonight was a lovely combination of grass-fed beef (sirloin) donated by good friends, roasted potatoes (another friend's contribution) with rosemary, zucchini with basil, and red wine (another gift). We have some special friends and family, what a delight to return home!
All have been so generous and hospitable to us: we were in 13 different places over the 9 weeks we were absent. We were thrilled with the west: Montana, Wyoming and Colorado had mountains, hot springs, lakes, and canyons enough to delight us all....but we are so delighted to get home and back in our own space to get dirty or clean as we like ;) My girls are thrilled. As for me, it's back to the garden I go, and there is a ton of pruning to do, as is to be expected. I am enjoying cucumbers, zucchini, basil, rosemary, and onions. Tomatoes are on their way!
Dinner tonight was a lovely combination of grass-fed beef (sirloin) donated by good friends, roasted potatoes (another friend's contribution) with rosemary, zucchini with basil, and red wine (another gift). We have some special friends and family, what a delight to return home!
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