"When it rains or it shines...I will lift up my hands to the sky!"

"Why so downcast, oh my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, my Savior and my King."

The words of the psalmist once more reflect where my spirit has been of late, brought to me on the wings of the song by Jennifer Knapp. I have started listening to "Christian" music again, after a long dry spell where I have avoided it, believing that no artist could truly capture the feelings hidden in the deep recesses of my mind. I have been heavy-hearted and disbelieving, and instead of running to His word and to fellowship as means of grace, I have dragged my feet and slunk away or hidden behind a face that tries to show that all is right.

I have found out, however, that too much alone time is as detrimental to those of my personality type (because we spiral downward and crash inward) as is too much time with people. How to find balance, I am not quite sure yet. So often I am thrust into situations with many people with whom I am merely acquaintances, and I cannot bare my soul. Or, I arrive home with my head and heart full, and continue to buzz in my brain, with no positive outlet, and therefore buzz myself to discouraged distraction. My family needs me to be in touch with Christ when I am alone (at home), in touch with fellowship that is nurturing and encouraging when I am out.

This need of fellowship has driven me to pursue getting together the seminary women. I know I'm not the only one who needs this, but I admit this has been so much due to selfish need. I desire, as Dr. Douglass says, to "get into" others' lives, and have others really "get into" mine. I need this depth, this honesty in relationship, and the ability to show this ugly heart of mine to those who can help reflect His beauty into it. I am scared to death of people seeing the mess that is me, but I need to believe that Jesus is my identity, and that even if they see my sin, He only sees His daughter. Oh, to act with the confidence and grace of a daughter, and not with the slinking, approval-seeking demeanor of one who knows no identity but that which she constructs on her own.

But I am not on my own. And I need to stop thinking that I am.

"When nothing satisfies You: hold my hand."