Man, I just got done reading some stuff. Blogs, emails, notes on facebook, one of my husbands' papers and I am just filled to emotional overflow. Not because the things I read were so heart-rending or happy or anything--it's just the way I react.
I see people behind these words, and their struggles and their gifts. I see their children and their parents. I see their stories--the stories being woven into them by the Master Craftsman. I am thrilled, I see hope for the future in it, I am glad.
And I have joy. Bit by bit it is creeping back to me after the hurts, the dark blue and sometimes black threads, of my own story. And I realize that in order to re-capture joy, I must grieve. I realize that the tears and the acknowledgement of pain and the mourning over sin is right and good. It is not right to respond with a desire for life to be fair and just, because that would mean I would be cut down and thrown out--I would deserve justice in the sense of judgement, not vindication. When I get on that track of anger, and wishing for things to be made right, to prove how right I am, it is only a means of escape from truly feeling the weight of the sadness...It is a way to control, impersonalize, and cope--and it is empty and heavy all at once.
...but then my burden is lifted, my chin lifted to look into the eyes of my Brother-Lord, and my hand taken so that I might rise and stand on the secure footing that is Him. And I have joy.
November 30, 2007
October 30, 2007
The "casualties" of childcare and child-rearing
The last couple of days have been, well, "crappy" in the best sense of the word. As in, the days really weren't bad days, I just feel like if there was a dirty bottom, I was cleaning it. Talk about humbling experience.
But each of my "subjects" of cleaning were truly beautiful children, inside and out. These are little boys and girls whose parents are seeking to rear them in the knowledge of the One who loves them more than even their huge imaginations could ever dream. And I'm challenged by that thought--that I am helping to take care of the little ones that Jesus said we must be like in order to inherit the kingdom of heaven.
So what does it look like to be a child? Let me put it through the eyes of my firstborn: she takes it for granted that she is loved; she trusts that she will have her needs met, or asks without guile or fear or doubt for her father/mother to meet them; she dances and plays and smiles with joy unfettered by worry....
...she allows herself to be cleaned up by one who has the power to cleanse her every nook and cranny---even to the most intimate places.
That is the perspective I need to have when I'm tackling dirty diapers.
But each of my "subjects" of cleaning were truly beautiful children, inside and out. These are little boys and girls whose parents are seeking to rear them in the knowledge of the One who loves them more than even their huge imaginations could ever dream. And I'm challenged by that thought--that I am helping to take care of the little ones that Jesus said we must be like in order to inherit the kingdom of heaven.
So what does it look like to be a child? Let me put it through the eyes of my firstborn: she takes it for granted that she is loved; she trusts that she will have her needs met, or asks without guile or fear or doubt for her father/mother to meet them; she dances and plays and smiles with joy unfettered by worry....
...she allows herself to be cleaned up by one who has the power to cleanse her every nook and cranny---even to the most intimate places.
That is the perspective I need to have when I'm tackling dirty diapers.
October 16, 2007
A brilliant autumn soup`
2 butternut squash, halved and seeded
1-2 onions, peeled and quartered
4 cloves garlic
6 cups chicken broth
1 bay leaf
1 teaspoon brown sugar
1 teaspoon mild curry powder
1/2 teaspoon ground ginger (or a piece of whole ginger, thrown in like the bay leaf)
1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1/4 teaspoon ground nutmeg
salt and pepper to taste
1 cup heavy cream
1/4 cup chopped fresh parsley (optional)
DIRECTIONS
1 Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C). Line a baking sheet with parchment paper or aluminum foil.
2 Place squash halves and onion onto the prepared baking sheet. Wrap garlic in foil and set with other vegetables.
3 Roast in the center of the oven for 45 to 60 minutes, until the squash is tender. Remove from oven and set aside until cool enough
to handle.
4 Squeeze garlic cloves out of their skin like paste into a food processor. Scrape the flesh from the squash and place into the food processor along with the roasted onion. Puree until smooth. Add vegetable broth if necessary. Transfer the pureed mixture to a stockpot and stir broth. Season with the bay leaf, brown sugar, curry powder, ginger, cinnamon, nutmeg and salt and pepper to taste. Bring to a boil and simmer gently for 10 minutes. Remove from heat and stir in cream.
5 Remove bay leaf and serve hot. Garnish with fresh parsley if desired.
We made this when our dear friends came for a visit. I forgot the cream, but it was still fabulous. I hope everyone is getting fall weather now, but if not, maybe this soup will bring it on for you. Serve with a nice salad and some bread. Delicious.
1-2 onions, peeled and quartered
4 cloves garlic
6 cups chicken broth
1 bay leaf
1 teaspoon brown sugar
1 teaspoon mild curry powder
1/2 teaspoon ground ginger (or a piece of whole ginger, thrown in like the bay leaf)
1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1/4 teaspoon ground nutmeg
salt and pepper to taste
1 cup heavy cream
1/4 cup chopped fresh parsley (optional)
DIRECTIONS
1 Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C). Line a baking sheet with parchment paper or aluminum foil.
2 Place squash halves and onion onto the prepared baking sheet. Wrap garlic in foil and set with other vegetables.
3 Roast in the center of the oven for 45 to 60 minutes, until the squash is tender. Remove from oven and set aside until cool enough
to handle.
4 Squeeze garlic cloves out of their skin like paste into a food processor. Scrape the flesh from the squash and place into the food processor along with the roasted onion. Puree until smooth. Add vegetable broth if necessary. Transfer the pureed mixture to a stockpot and stir broth. Season with the bay leaf, brown sugar, curry powder, ginger, cinnamon, nutmeg and salt and pepper to taste. Bring to a boil and simmer gently for 10 minutes. Remove from heat and stir in cream.
5 Remove bay leaf and serve hot. Garnish with fresh parsley if desired.
We made this when our dear friends came for a visit. I forgot the cream, but it was still fabulous. I hope everyone is getting fall weather now, but if not, maybe this soup will bring it on for you. Serve with a nice salad and some bread. Delicious.
October 05, 2007
to blog or not to blog--my protectionist tendencies come out
You know, I am very up-in-the-air about this blogging thing. I mean, it is a nice, easy way of keeping in touch with people. I can muse on things that I don't mind receiving feedback about, or about people seeing. But I realize that on the whole, I really disagree with the entire concept.
Some friends of mine and I were talking this evening, and it was said that there are two people at the seminary that are criticized in the blogging world more than any others in the PCA (I believe I'm quoting this correctly). These are two people that I feel certain if truly known in an interpersonal, face-to-face manner would not incite such a reaction. They are mild in manner, with nothing attention-grabbing about their looks--in all ways individuals that don't stand out on your radar screen.
And yet, because their words are known, because that which they express externally is easily accessible to a wide audience, they have come under attack. Sure, they are in the "public eye", and are aware that there are certain consequences that come with that. But what does it mean to be the "public"? What is our responsibility?
I guess we have forgotten the lessons we once learned in school about reading objectively and for tone...about not taking offense at the drop of a hat, or making assumptions that are unfounded...about disagreeing impassionately and without seeking to destroy our fellow students/man. Are we so desperate to bump into one another in this technological world of busy-ness (where we don't get much "face time" before moving on to the next item on our agenda) that when given the opportunity we must make it personal? Do we have the right to make it personal when we have no personal knowledge of one another? Can we really read one another and assume that we have the right to speak to one another or about one another? When does it become gossip or slander?
My friend has been studying Bioethics, and it horrifies me to think of the advances we are making in technology with (apparantly) no thought to the outcome. What are the consequences of this age of accessibility, where our thoughts are made available to one another, and where we share a piece of our minds with whomever we feel? Are there any consequences, as we hide behind the indifferent screen of our information-gathering machine and shoot off at the mouth? When do we put on the brakes?
Some friends of mine and I were talking this evening, and it was said that there are two people at the seminary that are criticized in the blogging world more than any others in the PCA (I believe I'm quoting this correctly). These are two people that I feel certain if truly known in an interpersonal, face-to-face manner would not incite such a reaction. They are mild in manner, with nothing attention-grabbing about their looks--in all ways individuals that don't stand out on your radar screen.
And yet, because their words are known, because that which they express externally is easily accessible to a wide audience, they have come under attack. Sure, they are in the "public eye", and are aware that there are certain consequences that come with that. But what does it mean to be the "public"? What is our responsibility?
I guess we have forgotten the lessons we once learned in school about reading objectively and for tone...about not taking offense at the drop of a hat, or making assumptions that are unfounded...about disagreeing impassionately and without seeking to destroy our fellow students/man. Are we so desperate to bump into one another in this technological world of busy-ness (where we don't get much "face time" before moving on to the next item on our agenda) that when given the opportunity we must make it personal? Do we have the right to make it personal when we have no personal knowledge of one another? Can we really read one another and assume that we have the right to speak to one another or about one another? When does it become gossip or slander?
My friend has been studying Bioethics, and it horrifies me to think of the advances we are making in technology with (apparantly) no thought to the outcome. What are the consequences of this age of accessibility, where our thoughts are made available to one another, and where we share a piece of our minds with whomever we feel? Are there any consequences, as we hide behind the indifferent screen of our information-gathering machine and shoot off at the mouth? When do we put on the brakes?
October 01, 2007
"When it rains or it shines...I will lift up my hands to the sky!"
"Why so downcast, oh my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, my Savior and my King."
The words of the psalmist once more reflect where my spirit has been of late, brought to me on the wings of the song by Jennifer Knapp. I have started listening to "Christian" music again, after a long dry spell where I have avoided it, believing that no artist could truly capture the feelings hidden in the deep recesses of my mind. I have been heavy-hearted and disbelieving, and instead of running to His word and to fellowship as means of grace, I have dragged my feet and slunk away or hidden behind a face that tries to show that all is right.
I have found out, however, that too much alone time is as detrimental to those of my personality type (because we spiral downward and crash inward) as is too much time with people. How to find balance, I am not quite sure yet. So often I am thrust into situations with many people with whom I am merely acquaintances, and I cannot bare my soul. Or, I arrive home with my head and heart full, and continue to buzz in my brain, with no positive outlet, and therefore buzz myself to discouraged distraction. My family needs me to be in touch with Christ when I am alone (at home), in touch with fellowship that is nurturing and encouraging when I am out.
This need of fellowship has driven me to pursue getting together the seminary women. I know I'm not the only one who needs this, but I admit this has been so much due to selfish need. I desire, as Dr. Douglass says, to "get into" others' lives, and have others really "get into" mine. I need this depth, this honesty in relationship, and the ability to show this ugly heart of mine to those who can help reflect His beauty into it. I am scared to death of people seeing the mess that is me, but I need to believe that Jesus is my identity, and that even if they see my sin, He only sees His daughter. Oh, to act with the confidence and grace of a daughter, and not with the slinking, approval-seeking demeanor of one who knows no identity but that which she constructs on her own.
But I am not on my own. And I need to stop thinking that I am.
"When nothing satisfies You: hold my hand."
The words of the psalmist once more reflect where my spirit has been of late, brought to me on the wings of the song by Jennifer Knapp. I have started listening to "Christian" music again, after a long dry spell where I have avoided it, believing that no artist could truly capture the feelings hidden in the deep recesses of my mind. I have been heavy-hearted and disbelieving, and instead of running to His word and to fellowship as means of grace, I have dragged my feet and slunk away or hidden behind a face that tries to show that all is right.
I have found out, however, that too much alone time is as detrimental to those of my personality type (because we spiral downward and crash inward) as is too much time with people. How to find balance, I am not quite sure yet. So often I am thrust into situations with many people with whom I am merely acquaintances, and I cannot bare my soul. Or, I arrive home with my head and heart full, and continue to buzz in my brain, with no positive outlet, and therefore buzz myself to discouraged distraction. My family needs me to be in touch with Christ when I am alone (at home), in touch with fellowship that is nurturing and encouraging when I am out.
This need of fellowship has driven me to pursue getting together the seminary women. I know I'm not the only one who needs this, but I admit this has been so much due to selfish need. I desire, as Dr. Douglass says, to "get into" others' lives, and have others really "get into" mine. I need this depth, this honesty in relationship, and the ability to show this ugly heart of mine to those who can help reflect His beauty into it. I am scared to death of people seeing the mess that is me, but I need to believe that Jesus is my identity, and that even if they see my sin, He only sees His daughter. Oh, to act with the confidence and grace of a daughter, and not with the slinking, approval-seeking demeanor of one who knows no identity but that which she constructs on her own.
But I am not on my own. And I need to stop thinking that I am.
"When nothing satisfies You: hold my hand."
September 17, 2007
Long absence...
Wow, how long has it been now? I promise I have a good excuse, or rather excuses, for this long spell of silence on my part. And I need to communicate them all to you guys, because they are prayer requests in and of themselves, so please see them as such, and not as complaints. We are learning through all these things about God's grace and His design for us, but we need your prayer that we would run to Him in them, and not try to figure it all out in our own strength.
Our family has had a few setbacks (some major, some minor, some seeming more major than they really are) in the last couple of weeks. Somehow, jobs have continued to elude us, making everything a strain financially. About a week ago, I got debilitatingly sick with hayfever and what I believe to be a sinus infection (from the complications of allergies). Thankfully, I have still been able to work my few shifts at the Log Cabin (the childcare center on campus--I can bring the girls with me, allowing Chip to study and go to class and work himself), but I have not been up to much else. I am dragging around during the day, and the cool breeze that has been such a respite to us has also been the bearer of molds and fall pollens. Macky and Murmurn have also succumbed to aspects of this weird sickness---Macky has the deep, chesty cough that I am struggling with, and Murmur the drippy nose and itchy eyes and ears. On top of this, she is teething AGAIN and was up screaming her little lungs out the last 3 nights. Macky, too, was up in the middle of the night unable to breath, and Chip brought her to bed with us to try to keep Murmur asleep while she was asleep. This resulted in another interruption to our sleep as Macky kicked and tossed and coughed the entire 2 hours she remained with us. Chip finally had to just put her back in her own bed and risk having both children awake at once....which happened eventually around 5:30, I think. I was too deliriously tired to know exactly what happened. Chip, thankfully, has avoided the sick/allergy combo at this point. Praise the Lord for that grace!
Other than that, I have been waiting to have a background check and fingerprinting done so that I could begin pursuing tutoring jobs in the schools (both public and private) in the area. That was to have happened today, but about a 1/2 hour ago, I received a call postponing it once more until Friday. We have been scrambling to pick up any other shifts around Log Cabin (Chip has been picking up extra hours there too) to build up our paychecks that we will be receiving at the end of October (!!!). Meanwhile, wouldn't you expect, with the addition of Chip's last class (and the one I am auditing with him), his workload for graduate studies (I have to remind myself that this is graduate school, what did I expect?) has increased exponentially. He stays up until midnight most nights just to get the assignments done, much less review that which he must review for Greek in order to keep up with the language. Wow, this is a crazy time!!!
In all of this, however, we have seen his grace and mercy to our family. We are stressed a bit, but Chip is loving his classes, and his professors are truly pastors--they love their students and encourage them constantly. Dr. Jimmy Agan, who most know as "Jimmy", has even said "For some men, making an A in my class [Greek] would be a sin."
Please pray for us that we can have discernment in our choices, not run down rabbit trails with jobs the Lord doesn't have for us, not waste energy pursuing things (studies, jobs, etc....) that need to be set aside in order to love our girls and one another well....
I will post again soon, but for now, I hope everyone is well and I pray that we might stay connected and be objects of His grace to one another for our encouragement.
Our family has had a few setbacks (some major, some minor, some seeming more major than they really are) in the last couple of weeks. Somehow, jobs have continued to elude us, making everything a strain financially. About a week ago, I got debilitatingly sick with hayfever and what I believe to be a sinus infection (from the complications of allergies). Thankfully, I have still been able to work my few shifts at the Log Cabin (the childcare center on campus--I can bring the girls with me, allowing Chip to study and go to class and work himself), but I have not been up to much else. I am dragging around during the day, and the cool breeze that has been such a respite to us has also been the bearer of molds and fall pollens. Macky and Murmurn have also succumbed to aspects of this weird sickness---Macky has the deep, chesty cough that I am struggling with, and Murmur the drippy nose and itchy eyes and ears. On top of this, she is teething AGAIN and was up screaming her little lungs out the last 3 nights. Macky, too, was up in the middle of the night unable to breath, and Chip brought her to bed with us to try to keep Murmur asleep while she was asleep. This resulted in another interruption to our sleep as Macky kicked and tossed and coughed the entire 2 hours she remained with us. Chip finally had to just put her back in her own bed and risk having both children awake at once....which happened eventually around 5:30, I think. I was too deliriously tired to know exactly what happened. Chip, thankfully, has avoided the sick/allergy combo at this point. Praise the Lord for that grace!
Other than that, I have been waiting to have a background check and fingerprinting done so that I could begin pursuing tutoring jobs in the schools (both public and private) in the area. That was to have happened today, but about a 1/2 hour ago, I received a call postponing it once more until Friday. We have been scrambling to pick up any other shifts around Log Cabin (Chip has been picking up extra hours there too) to build up our paychecks that we will be receiving at the end of October (!!!). Meanwhile, wouldn't you expect, with the addition of Chip's last class (and the one I am auditing with him), his workload for graduate studies (I have to remind myself that this is graduate school, what did I expect?) has increased exponentially. He stays up until midnight most nights just to get the assignments done, much less review that which he must review for Greek in order to keep up with the language. Wow, this is a crazy time!!!
In all of this, however, we have seen his grace and mercy to our family. We are stressed a bit, but Chip is loving his classes, and his professors are truly pastors--they love their students and encourage them constantly. Dr. Jimmy Agan, who most know as "Jimmy", has even said "For some men, making an A in my class [Greek] would be a sin."
Please pray for us that we can have discernment in our choices, not run down rabbit trails with jobs the Lord doesn't have for us, not waste energy pursuing things (studies, jobs, etc....) that need to be set aside in order to love our girls and one another well....
I will post again soon, but for now, I hope everyone is well and I pray that we might stay connected and be objects of His grace to one another for our encouragement.
September 04, 2007
Photos for my travelling sis
For those of you who know Rachel, you might want to have a little more info on what's going on with her than she is currently able to post. She is currently in Venice after having landed in Interlaken, Switzerland the first night, then on to Milan, and down to Venice.
This photo is of the 4 who will all ultimately be travelling together. Kerry, Nathan, Leah and Rachel. Kerry is going to be joining them a bit later.
The other two images include my very hip dad and my beautiful mother. Had to show them off.
Anway---That's all I know for now. If you want to leave her a message, you can do so at her blog. She can read it, but she hasn't been able to type due to differing keyboards (differing languages). I'll post more if I can for her later!
This photo is of the 4 who will all ultimately be travelling together. Kerry, Nathan, Leah and Rachel. Kerry is going to be joining them a bit later.
The other two images include my very hip dad and my beautiful mother. Had to show them off.
Anway---That's all I know for now. If you want to leave her a message, you can do so at her blog. She can read it, but she hasn't been able to type due to differing keyboards (differing languages). I'll post more if I can for her later!
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